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Friday, October 22, 2004
another day

yep, just another day. i saw my therapist today. kimberly is her name. yeah, i know, kimberly. i hate that name. i see her about once a month just to get some stuff out. lately, i just haven't been happy. even when i was up in memphis with cj. i'm just so neutral lately. i am soooooooo ready to get out of here. kimberly agrees that i'm just too mature for this place. and it doesn't help that i'm surrounded by freshman all day and their crap problems. i know the problems are major to them, but give me a break. i just feel like i don't have anyone to talk to. i mean, i have cj, but he's far, and talking on messenger is kinda impersonal. and i know he's busy. sometimes i feel like i only have a boyfriend on the weekends. it's not his fault. distance sucks. i felt this same way when i was a senior in high school. i was just ready to leave and start the new chapter in my life. i'm so burned out on being an rd. i feel like i'm surrounded by idiots sometimes. i just have stopped liking a lot of people. yeah, i know that's mean. i'm so tired of being fake. not really fake. i mean, i'm tired of having to put of this shitty facade for people. i always have to be the strong one. i'm tired of it. leave me alone. do it yourself- you're a grown up. that's what i want to say. i wish i could graduate at semester. i could, if it weren't for that damn health insurance thing. and it really sucks not being able to see my parents. july-december is way too long. working out seems to help my attitude. it makes me get off my fat ass and do something. i hate being fat. at least i have curves. it doesn't help that cj and i rearely have sex. he's "tired." whatever. take a freakin nap. and i can't even remember the last time i had an orgasm (other than from the good ole vibrator). maybe this weekend will be better. at least it will be nice to go out with cj...even if his stupid friends are there. i don't like mike. i like dave and mark. and i hate fake amy...his ex girlfriend. i can't stand her. arg. oh well.

Posted at 02:44 am by AmyinMo1
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Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Get me out of this place

Sometimes i feel so alone. i know i have cj, and i'm really happy about that. but i have no one in columbia. i don't like it here anymore. in my 3 years at stephens, this is the first time i haven't wanted to be here. and i have no one to turn to. cj is busy, or sleeping, or doing some other crap. my mother just attacks me. and she wonders why i didn't want to talk to her about how i'm feeling. i don't feel like myself. everything makes me want to cry. driving to the mall makes me cry. watching freaks and geeks makes me cry. "it's nothing" my mom says. fuck that. i'm not myself and i don't know what's going on. and hey, since you're trying to make me feel better, mention how important it is that i get my POSSIBLY CANCEROUS cysts removed. not because she cares about my well being, but because it might get complicated once the insurance changes. thanks. thanks a lot. and getting mad at me because i didn't talk to you about it. wonderful. she doesn't care. she just cares that i told my dad and not her. i don't like telling her anything. she takes it as a personal attack that i didn't tell her. well maybe it's because i knew how she would react. she alllllllllways invalidates how i'm feeling. it's like i'm just a 5 year old who is cranky and needs a nap. maybe there is something else going on.
i know what it's like to be emotional because of hormones. i just don't want to be here anymore. i don't know where i want to be. stephens sucks now. i'm taking fucking digital filmmaking and human sexuality. and why? because my major and two minors were cut. fuck stephens. i'm going to talk to marlene tomorrow about how to graduate early. i hate it here. i never thought i would be saying that. i hate being so alone. and no one cares.

Posted at 12:04 am by AmyinMo1
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Monday, January 12, 2004
In love with a math dork...

Well, it's been quite awhile since my last entry. i've just gotten really busy. Also, i was on Thanksgiving break, then winter break. Here's the biggest and greatest thing that's happened... i have met the most wonderful guy. his name is cj, and i like him so much. i have never felt like this towards anyone before. i think i love him. he is so wonderful. we haven't seen each other in nearly a month, so that really sucks. but he is so great. he's funny, intelligent (he's smarter than i am!), sweet and caring. i think he's the greatest boy ever.
He's a math education major at mu. he's going to be a high school math teacher. i've even added a math class to my schedule since i have him for help. i love the way he makes me feel. and he's super liberal, so you know i love that. he and his family are on a cruise for a few days, so i don't get to talk to him. i met his parents before i left for break. they are very nice, very catholic. cj grew up catholic, and went to catholic private school his whole life. needless to say, now he's pretty much of an anti-catholic. we have similar beliefs in things. he's got 3 older brothers and an older sister. he's the baby. that's crazy.
i think when cj gets back from his cruise, and as long as nothing as changed between us, i'm going to tell him i love him. crazy! cj just sort of appeared in my life, and i couldn't be happier :).

Posted at 01:14 am by AmyinMo1
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Monday, November 03, 2003
Duct tape forever

Well, today was Melissa's funeral. The memorial was so good. It really was a celebration of her life. Soooo many Searcyites were there. I chose to say a few words during the memorial about the duct tape bracelets we made, and how we're trying to incorporate her positive views into our life. I was one of only 4 people who spoke. I thought that someone from Stephens should speak, especially someone from Searcy. I got to see Craig, which was good. We gave each other a long hug. He was so upset. I think Melissa's death has made him realized a lot of things. We're going to try and get together under better circumstances. I gave him one of the bracelets we made. I spoke briefly to Melissa's mom, just to let her know Searcy will do anything we can. Stephens is holding a memorial tomorrow afternoon. Melissa's parents will be there, as well as 4 religious leaders. Melissa was so brilliant. That is the best way to describe her. Just brilliant.

Posted at 11:14 pm by AmyinMo1
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Saturday, November 01, 2003
Being a grown up sucks

   It's no fun being a grown up sometimes. On Thursday afternoon, one of my residents was killed in a car accident. She was such a brillant girl. Since she was a Searcyite, losing her has a big impact. It's hard enough to lose someone in the Stephens community, but even harder when it's someone in Searcy. And since I am the RD, I'm in charge of organizing support and events, and have to be who people come to. Most of my residents are handling it well. Her funeral is this Monday afternoon. Lots of Searcyites will be going. I went into her room with Julie last night. It was so weird. It still seems so surreal. I'm working closely with Deb, Paulina and Margaret to get Stephens and Searcyites through this. It's just so sad.

Posted at 06:39 pm by AmyinMo1
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